This is day 2. Day 1 was yesterday. I have been feeeling so miserable of late. You see, I was an aspiring barrister, but with so many complications. My life revolved around tensions and a feeling of...inadequacy. I could see that chasing something that I didn't want was hurting me. I am a practitioner of Vipassana Meditation, a technique through which I tasted an experience, an experience of liberation from my suffering. Despite this experience, I pursued worldly things, and subscribed to the apparent. I tried my best to conform, but every vibration in my body would resist. I have a constant feeling of...dis-ease. I know purity. I have experienced it as a child, and more recently with Vipassana. But I know impurity even better.
Impurity
I only have to close my eyes and examine my mind. How? just by experiencing my thoughts. Often this is an excercise in hindsight. I believe that any man can tell the impurity of their own mind. I was an addict of many things. Marijuana: I had smoked excessively throughout the duration of university, and thereafter I suppose although I did not smoke frequently, I binged. I have tried other drugs too, namely cocaine which gave me a temporary feeling of confidence, but a more longer lasting feeling of...darkness. Mdma I had tried only twice, and had a great experience. I have been chasing mdma for some time, but it seems to have dissapeared. I am so greatful that it has, because as a meditatr (I use the term loosely up till now)I understand that experiences through drugs are not the way. I will write about mdma another time perhaps, but in essence, by enjoying the beautiful vibrations and a sense of purity, one develops craving, and the mind will constantly be unbalanced whilst chasing these sensations, because after all they are impermanent.
Gambling: I had gambled a lot of money away whilst at university. It really affected me, and I am so greatful that I am out of it now. Perhaps it was Karma, perhaps I am not supposed to have money at this stage in my life. I have no real understanding of Karma, and would have dismissed it as airy fairy mumbo jumbo, especially listening to the people that discuss it. "yeah man, that is like bad karma". To me, Karma affects things in the apparent universe, and should not be taken too serious to that extent. One should not do things in the hope that it will make them rich etc. But I have always known since I was a child and before any mention of karma entered into my life, that the universe is one of cause and effect. This idea that you open yourself to certain things by doing them to others. I had many experiences, even through Vipassana meditation, which had a powerful impact upon me. Things would start to go well for me in life, and I felt to happy. Then things would go wrong, and I would get upset, and revert back to my old ways, believeing that Vipassana/Christianity/whatever was not that good. I now know that with a pure mind, no matter what happens on the outside, as long as you are still on the inside...that is happiness.
My biggest addiction and the one leading to the impurity in my mind is sex, or more accurately pornography addiction. I have had a fetish since I was young. I will not go into the details, but it constantly plays on my mind, and has had a destructive effect on any progress that I have ever made in life. I would practice self sex to overcome any tension, bad experience etc. I do have violent and angry feelings too, but I can overcome them with relative ease and metta. But the sexual thoughts have been much harder to deal with for me. I want to be pure and dwell in infinite love and compassion as a brahma. How can I when I have these feelings towards women? As a result I find it very hard to connect with women...actually people in general. One day, as I have experienced at beautiful moments in the past, I will master my mind, and with purity, all women will become sisters to me. I know that I will overcome these feelings, and feel that I have overcome them since yesterday. Part of the destruction is the guilt that the mind feels afterwards. I know very well that the mind must be obsereved, but I tgend to engage it and let it master me when it comes to self sex, and the guilt and self hatred that shortly follows. Therefore when I examine my mind and see this stark impurity, I get so dissapointed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7pSswcI6YM
Then it came to pass, that I realised, ok it is there. I cannot deny its existence. But I know very well how to purify my mind. Just simple observation. No guilt, no sefl hatred. Just gentle, compassionate awareness. Oh my poor child, you have such impurity in your heart. But you speak to me, and I have only love for you. Do not be upset at the darkness, because you have in you the will to accept light.
Slowly, but surely
powerfully, yet gently
All darkness shall be banished,
when you befriend the light.
